Yesterday, I came to the official and conscious realisation that I do not believe that I am worthy of love and belonging.
In her TEDx talk The Power of Vulnerability, researcher Brené Brown defines 'shame' as 'the fear of disconnection: "Is there something about me, that if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?" - a feeling of "excruciating vulnerability".' I saw the video, I thought "That's me", and then I moved on to the next task on my list, trying to prove to myself that I am worthwhile.
Yesterday, "That's me", came to the surface and slapped me across the face like a carp.
Rationally, my conscious and logical mind can tell me I'm not a bad person (just annoying), and that everyone deserves love, and that I am not a complete failure at life.
Subconsciously, I am writhing in a steamy, slimy pit of self-loathing and fear. I worry constantly that somehow I am going to get found out, and then everyone will hate me, and I will be alone.
Brené found that the thing that people who do have connection, a sense of worthiness, and who know they have value, were people who felt they could tell their whole story. People who are brave enough to be imperfect, and truly authentic...
So, how does a person who does not know who they are, be authentic?
Well first of all, it would help if I knew I could trust that if I actually go ahead and post this, that it won't destroy me.
