Endings and beginnings

The past year has been interesting, to say the least. We have prepared for a major organisational restructure, I have started a new job, and my son became very ill during the second part of the year, requiring hospitalisation and tube feeding.

Next year is still full of hope. I am hopeful about what the restructure will bring, and the possibilities for improvement in my organisation. I am hopeful that my children will continue to grow and learn without any major impediment. I am hopeful that my research will get underway and that through that process create lasting change.

I have been disappointed over the past year with my lack of writing and journalling my professional experiences. That is why, in 2016, I am committing to write something every day of the year. 

Things are starting to get complicated before I even start, though…

Do I use ‘ye olde’ pen and paper, or a digital journal? If I use a digital journal, what application do I use? Can I use a template of standard questions to structure my daily entries and make my thinking easier? What would those questions be? Where would I keep them written down? Can I get an application to prompt me with my questions on a daily basis? Should I blog my daily musings? If I blog my journal will this undermine my research ethics?

So, because I am a nerd, and am more likely to have my tablet with me that a paper notebook, I am going to try and journal ‘digitally’. After some extensive web searching, I am going to trial the ‘Day One’ app for iOS at AUD7.99. I can set it to notify me as a reminder to write, although I cannot have each entry pre-filled with some prompt questions, but I will investigate this further. I might write the questions in my first journal entry, so that they can be accessed at a later date if needed. The app allows me to export as a text file or pdf, as well as publish individual articles to the web. This allows me to select which entries I share and which entries remain my private thoughts, meaning I am able to avoid research ethics dilemmas. 

First, the process I went through to make the decisions above was so logical and generally evidence-based I have surprised myself! I was initially worried about spending so much money on an app, then I realised that I would definitely be spending more on a notebook and pens if I went the ‘paper way’. Then I also remembered that my workplace social club had given me an itunes voucher for Christmas. Bonus! - I think I am beginning to see improvements in my decision making process and my practice. 

It is almost as if I am ready. That means I will have to commit and actually do the writing, but I am not feeling overwhelmed. I feel hopeful, in control, and excited by the possibilities of the year ahead (hopefully that doesn’t mean in a couple of days I am going to come down and everything will seem terrible).

Completely off topic: I bought my kids a cheap above ground swimming pool for Christmas, so hopefully we will have some outdoor fun over the summer rather than our usual minecraft LAN  parallel play. 

Atychiphobia

My supervisor asked me, "What are you so afraid of?" Well, I worked it out.

Atychiphobia

I have recently been successful in gaining a five month secondment as a, well, the Research Librarian. The success of the future of Research support at the Library rests on my shoulders for the next five months. I'm super excited!
... and also worried. I know the stuff, and I can do the stuff, but there is always the fact that I am, well, me.

Why am I so worried? Well, I worked it out. I consider the possibility of failure so terrifying, that over a long period of time I have subconsciously undermined my own efforts so that I no longer had to try. I have settled for mediocrity to avoid the risks associated with distinguishing myself.

The fear is disproportionate, and irrational, and this Doctorate is part my attempt to realise my potential.

No more excuses. I am going to smash it. 

The nature of research...

What do we mean by research?

In my case, it is an attempt to understand, explore, and perhaps explain, a situation, problem, event, or phenomena. I think I want to understand something more clearly so that I can create change, or at the very least, make more futures possible.

The more I read, the more I realise that research means something different to everyone. Some people are trying to find truth, some are seeking knowledge, some are trying to find solutions to very real problems. 

It seems obvious, but the only thing all research has in common is that it asks a question.

What? by Véronique Debord-Lazaro, CC-BY-SA 2.0

What does research mean to you? Let me now in the comments section below.

Uncertain self

Image 'Facing Uncertainty' by Sara Biljana, CC-BY 2.0

I submitted a Learning Program for my own learning to my temporary supervisor. I swore a bit at it and said to myself:

"That will just have to do! I can still fix it up. It is not like this is my CoC (that is what I am calling Confirmation of Candidature). I just have to get something in so that I can get feedback."

Along with the attached file I wrote: 

"I am not entirely confident that this is complete. If I need to do something more, please let me know "

Dr * wrote:

"Excellent, excellent work. Well done. I am very happy with this. Comments attached.

 The purpose of this semester was a) to mentally prepare ourselves for the doctoral study and b) set personal objectives (take ownership). You have achieved this with aces – well done."

My immediate thought was: 

"PHEW"

then...

"Does he think he has to be nice to me? ... Is this about making me feel better so that I don't give up?"

then...

"What is wrong with me? Why can't I accept that I have done something well?!"

Then the last two things went around and around like this until I told myself to forget about it and concentrate on the million of other things I was doing. 

I was SUPER efficient while I was avoiding thinking about this. I wrote some reports and documents I had been meaning to do, updated the ALIAQld blog, put together some slides for a webinar, started my section of the Social Media for T&L guidelines... I even did some reading on the philosophy of librarianship.

So, now I'm looking at this Learning Program and - oh dear.

One of the four areas where previous learning had not been adequate, (ie. areas for improvement) identified in my own self-assessment is:

"objective judgement “removing my ‘self’, or ego, from the situation in order to develop perspective”

BAHAHA HAHA HAHA! *snort*  That is all. 

Imposter!

Having recently spent a whole lot of time NOT writing on this blog, I have started to question why I think writing publicly is so challenging for me.

It comes down to a number of feelings/thoughts:

1. Writing 'out loud' will expose my complete and utter incompetence
2. People might find out what a fragile being I am (and then what?.. the world will explode?)
3. What could I possibly have to write that people might be interested in?

And what is with being so insecure to write professionally when I speak publicly, on camera, so often, without even thinking about what people think of me. What is interesting is that I have realised I am not the only person who thinks like this about blogging!

Recently (like, literally, this morning) @libsmatter wrote this blog post and something caught my eye: "The hard bit is really in finding who you want to be in the space." 

Yes. Yes it is.
How can I know who I want to be in this space when I am never sure who I am anyway? I mean, I'm a Librarian. At least, that's what the Grad. Dip. certificate and my job title makes me. I'm a mum, and a sister, and a carer, and a 'Tegan'. 

I am different to a lot of other librarians. For the most part, my life and the world I have lived in are remote to the worlds of people I have worked with. It would be QI to know how this affects me as a professional. 

FYI: Keeping a professional reflective learning journal (THIS blog) is going to be a major component of my Doctorate. I have no choice. I HAVE to write! 
Who is going to care? Well, it doesn't matter really, does it? The examiners will probably have to read it whether they really want to or not. My Dad will probably read it because he likes to know what I'm doing. If that is it, then that's OK. It's for me really, isn't it.

As the wise and wonderful Kate Davis says, "I'm not even sure I've actually said anything worth reading here, but I'm hitting publish anyway. And that’s what matters."

References:

Davis, K 2015, my name is kate, and i am [not] an impostor impostor
Greenhill, K 2015, Professional blogging and the imposter syndrome

Memory of Purpose

Science and Technology revolutionize our lives, but memory, tradition and myth frame our response. Expelled from individual consciousness by the rush of change, history finds its revenge by stamping the collective unconscious with habits, values, expectations, dreams. The dialectic between past and future will continue to form our lives (Schlesinger, AM 1986)

Have Librarians got so caught up in 'doing' that they have forgotten that they are here to support learning? Our job is to support our learners in their learning. We are not a book deposit. We are not what we think a Library should be. We are what our learners need us to be.

Why does the future generation of learners need to understand the Dewey Decimal system when they will all be reading and using digital content? Are we actually helping people get the information they need (even if it is on Wikipedia) and supporting knowledge creation? People need help understanding formats, platforms, software, web applications and digital rights management, not just how to find a book or a peer reviewed journal article on a topic. My patrons need to know how to live in the real world, not in the Library. 

If our learners need a space for study, we provide a space for study. If our learners need textbooks, we provide textbooks. If our learners need advice on appropriate software for their needs, we provide advice on appropriate software for their needs. If our learners need someone to tell them how to hack an epub reader, we tell them how to hack an epub reader.... Don't we? If not, why not?... Particularly if the reason they need to hack the epub reader is to get a pdf version for text analysis. They are not going to share the pdf, or sell it, or plagiarise it. They just want to analyse and create their own, new knowledge from it.

Why are librarians not all committed to copyright reform, when they and their community are unfairly limited by copyright law everyday? What are librarians prepared to do in the fight for access to information for knowledge creation? What about supporting alternative voices to balance the discourse hegemony? What about publication advice, safe data storage? Who is questioning the academic peer review process? Who is gate keeping and who is sharing?

Why are libraries expected to be museums of knowledge? Outdated and rarely used items should be archived, not be kept on ugly shelves in useful public space. This does not mean I advocate for the destruction of books. I advocate for the archiving of everything ever published in state and or private collections, but not in our learners' spaces. Our learners want to pass their course and learn useful skills, not be able to find a long lost tome on the shelves.

I do not wish for the death of the book, merely that we re-look at our purpose, rather than keeping doing what we have always done. The days of 'browsing the shelves' is dead. A small regional uni library cannot support every academic's or librarian's dream for shelves of unused collections, collecting dust. Our importance is in our purpose, not in maintaining our view of ourselves and the "library" of the past.

References

Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr. 1986, "The Challenge of Change," New York Times Magazine, July 27, 1986. Viewed 19th May 2015, from http://quotes.dictionary.com/Science_and_Technology_revolutionize_our_lives_but_memory

The CV Tool or "I am a tool"

As part of identifying my previous learning, I was asked to fill in a spreadsheet with items/experiences from my CV, along with what I did, what I learned. Then I was asked to label each ‘what I learned’ with a learning area in order to look for gaps in my professional learning profile. We were given an example table, and a diagram with learning areas on it.

It was really hard. I did not expect it to be so difficult.

First obstacle: spreadsheets

Personally, I find reading spreadsheets very difficult. It is if all the lines turn into the same one and I can’t sort one column or row from the next column or row. The columns in this case were actually alright because they were colour coded. But trying to fit things into a spreadsheet after thinking on them over and over meant much shuffling things around and adding new rows and that took up much of my concentration.

Second obstacle: identifying what I learned, rather than what I “did for the first time”

An example goes something like this: “I learned to use Camtasia. No, I learned to play with software. No, actually I learned I can play with software without breaking it. I learned to fiddle with confidence.” Ahem…

Third obstacle: facing the truth

The truth is, that with all my personal potential, all my gifts and abilities, I cannot organise myself out of a paper bag. My work processes, information management, and productivity are all disorderly (at best). If I am to really address these issues, it is going to feel like rolling in croutons for crumbs in my bed. My partner used that expression when I showed him my learning objectives, and it was absolutely actually the right expression to articulate my discomfort.

Reflections

Now that I am through it, it seems like it wasn't so bad, really…

The biggest thing I noticed while doing this, is just how little of my personal learning has actually been from my ‘work history’ or professional accomplishments, and exactly how much has come out of just being-Tegan-in-the-world.

My point of professional difference comes from my life experience, not from what I have done or learned in my ‘career’. Also, very little of my knowledge comes from what I learned in Library School. Most of my knowledge comes from what I have sought out for myself, or have been generally puzzled by.

As it turns out, flunking high school, unplanned pregnancy and my colourful mental health record may be what sets me apart from the average librarian. Maybe.

"Struck" reading Corlett

This is not an academic blog post, but perhaps a more meaningful one.
Whilst reading about the importance of research data as a tool for self-reflexive practice I found myself thinking of a recent workplace experience.

In this particular situation, a group of information professionals were given recommendations based on the analysis of data accumulated through 1-1 interviews and a number of group workshops. One recommendation that came out of this analysis was that the group need to shift their thinking around delivering information services, particularly around information literacy.

The data indicated that the group had consistently referred to information literacy within the context of on-campus classes and physical presence. With a vast majority of students enrolled at the institution studying off-campus or completely online, the recommendation was that the group needed to address their ways of thinking about delivering and marketing services and resources to be more in line with the realities of the student cohort. On receiving this recommendation, there were cries of, “but I don’t actually spend more time on on-campus students” and “but that doesn’t seem to reflect what we actually do” and other similar comments. This was a perfect moment for reflexive learning. Whether or not as professionals we believe that we address the off-campus and online cohort sufficiently, the data showed that our ‘way of thinking’ about information literacy service delivery was not in line with the current reality of students’ needs.

Although unaware how to articulate my feeling of it at the time, I had a personal experience of being “struck”. Corlett (2013) develps the idea that the uncomfortable moments within a research interview provide moments for reflexivity where subjects can consciously consider their own behaviours and ways of thinking and learning. Corlett (2013, p.457) states that, “the physiological, emotional or cognitive sense of being ‘struck’ is key to critical self-reflexivity and learning because it moves us to question our ways of understanding and being”. This articulates perfectly what happened within my own thoughts in this moment.

In that moment I identified that my beliefs around my own ways of thinking were not reflected in the data. The data revealed that my own patterns of behaviour and thinking were, in fact, out of sync with what I had believed them to be.

Perhaps there is something in this for further development within the information profession.

References:
Corlett, S 2013, Participant learning in and through research as reflexive dialogue: Being ‘struck’ and   the effects of recall, Management Learning, vol. 44, no. 5, pp. 453 –469.

Reflections on Illeris

Illeris, in A model for learning in working life (2004) states that it is in the interaction between work practice and work identity that the most important factors for workplace learning take place. He emphasizes a holistic model, in which there can be no individual learning in isolation from the social context in which learning takes place. It is in this interplay that, as a Library professional, I can see potential for investigation.

In A Comprehensive model of human learning, Illeris (2009) states that for youth, who are in a stage of identity development, learning initiatives must be "subjectively accepted as a usable contribution to the present demands of the identity process". I would suggest that this applies to a much wider demographic than in youth, and that the development of identity is a lifelong development process.

This leaves me with the questions: 

Does our social and collective professional identity inhibit or promote a change in practice? What are the key differences between generations of librarians in regards to both workplace identity and working practice, and how does this affect an individual's attitudes and actions in relation to workplace learning? How do we create environments, social contexts and learning initiatives that have the potential to alter or shift existing individual workplace identities?

How is my own professional identity related to my behaviour and to my work-based learning?

List of References

Illeris, K. 2004, A model for learning in working life, Journal of Workplace Learning, Vol. 16 Iss: 8, pp.431 - 441


Illeris, K. 2009, A Comprehensive model of human learning, in Contemporary Theories of Learning: Learning Theorists... In Their Own Words, Routledge, London.