Uncertain self

Image 'Facing Uncertainty' by Sara Biljana, CC-BY 2.0

I submitted a Learning Program for my own learning to my temporary supervisor. I swore a bit at it and said to myself:

"That will just have to do! I can still fix it up. It is not like this is my CoC (that is what I am calling Confirmation of Candidature). I just have to get something in so that I can get feedback."

Along with the attached file I wrote: 

"I am not entirely confident that this is complete. If I need to do something more, please let me know "

Dr * wrote:

"Excellent, excellent work. Well done. I am very happy with this. Comments attached.

 The purpose of this semester was a) to mentally prepare ourselves for the doctoral study and b) set personal objectives (take ownership). You have achieved this with aces – well done."

My immediate thought was: 

"PHEW"

then...

"Does he think he has to be nice to me? ... Is this about making me feel better so that I don't give up?"

then...

"What is wrong with me? Why can't I accept that I have done something well?!"

Then the last two things went around and around like this until I told myself to forget about it and concentrate on the million of other things I was doing. 

I was SUPER efficient while I was avoiding thinking about this. I wrote some reports and documents I had been meaning to do, updated the ALIAQld blog, put together some slides for a webinar, started my section of the Social Media for T&L guidelines... I even did some reading on the philosophy of librarianship.

So, now I'm looking at this Learning Program and - oh dear.

One of the four areas where previous learning had not been adequate, (ie. areas for improvement) identified in my own self-assessment is:

"objective judgement “removing my ‘self’, or ego, from the situation in order to develop perspective”

BAHAHA HAHA HAHA! *snort*  That is all. 

Imposter!

Having recently spent a whole lot of time NOT writing on this blog, I have started to question why I think writing publicly is so challenging for me.

It comes down to a number of feelings/thoughts:

1. Writing 'out loud' will expose my complete and utter incompetence
2. People might find out what a fragile being I am (and then what?.. the world will explode?)
3. What could I possibly have to write that people might be interested in?

And what is with being so insecure to write professionally when I speak publicly, on camera, so often, without even thinking about what people think of me. What is interesting is that I have realised I am not the only person who thinks like this about blogging!

Recently (like, literally, this morning) @libsmatter wrote this blog post and something caught my eye: "The hard bit is really in finding who you want to be in the space." 

Yes. Yes it is.
How can I know who I want to be in this space when I am never sure who I am anyway? I mean, I'm a Librarian. At least, that's what the Grad. Dip. certificate and my job title makes me. I'm a mum, and a sister, and a carer, and a 'Tegan'. 

I am different to a lot of other librarians. For the most part, my life and the world I have lived in are remote to the worlds of people I have worked with. It would be QI to know how this affects me as a professional. 

FYI: Keeping a professional reflective learning journal (THIS blog) is going to be a major component of my Doctorate. I have no choice. I HAVE to write! 
Who is going to care? Well, it doesn't matter really, does it? The examiners will probably have to read it whether they really want to or not. My Dad will probably read it because he likes to know what I'm doing. If that is it, then that's OK. It's for me really, isn't it.

As the wise and wonderful Kate Davis says, "I'm not even sure I've actually said anything worth reading here, but I'm hitting publish anyway. And that’s what matters."

References:

Davis, K 2015, my name is kate, and i am [not] an impostor impostor
Greenhill, K 2015, Professional blogging and the imposter syndrome